Which feeling?
THIS feeling where I'm sitting here typing a very sadistic post when everyone is asleep.
I have been quite anti-social this few days and fuck!, deep bottom in my heart I admit I'm screaming I'm yelling I'm going to lose control and praying hard for a companion.
*note that I have not been swearing for a long time but I really can't stand it anymore this time
Everything I do,everything I eat,everything I see,everything hear,everything I smell is just......air.It's so odourless,so tasteless,so...plain.
Feeling my heart tearing off is much more painful than using penknife to cut myself.Because of I'm trying my best to store everything inside and not to cut myself anymore like I promised some people but please...I hope I can burst out in tears,I can yell as loud as I can,I can just sleep peacefully like any other people.
I have a lot,a lot,a lot of things to say,to share,to socialise with but I couldn't find the right person.Like how it used to be from the beginning,I'm as sorrow,as anti-social,as lonely as how I was.
Maybe people will think I'm pleading for sympathy and begging for petition but I'm just plain letting out my feelings.
Sometimes I wished I was the type of person who can cried out loud when they have problems or maybe I was born an animal.I guess animals are more feeling-less.I don't know.
I want a big hug but I never get any hugs from person I want,because I hardly gave anyone any hug.I need a shoulder to cry on,but I don't have any shoulders because I'm a bad person.I never have a true friend to be frank.My friend circle is like swallows that change seasons.No one finds me worth worthy to be kept as their 'friends forever' just like I never trusted things to be in 'forever'.
People once told me,'people who walks in our life will eventually walks out of our life one day' and every friend who stepped in my life,I would assume that they will be leaving one day.In order to save me from tears,I would build up a really thick wall between me and that new friend.Whoever that climbs over that thick wall,I would expose the true side of me.Which is someone who is very weak,dependent and helpless.Just like now.For those who's over the wall,they will assume I'm a cheerful people that live life happily.They don't know you at all.
This is the time when people things changes.When someone found out you're dependent,helpless,annoying and all that,they will say byebye to you.Just like now,left you and yourself suffering and your mask to cover your face in order to survive the next day.
Just like ME.
Is this emo?No,this is being sadistic.
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